Daddy has a breakdown...

This was a post I wrote months ago. I put off posting it and obviously I never got around to it...until now. I have neglected the blog, mostly because I feel that it is funner to spend time with my baby than it is to write about her. I'm also writing a lot for school, so it makes it harder to want to write for fun. Having said all of that, I will try to blog more. And as atonement for my blogging sins, here is a picture of Anaya who is not a little over 6 months old.

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As human beings we all experience the highs and lows of living on this life. We all understand what it means to feel elation and devastation. Everyone of us has been through an experience that has taken us to one extreme or the other. The intro to an  TV show from the 70's, ABC's Wide World of Sports, says it best, "...the thrill of victory, and the agony of defeat..."

On July 24th, 2012, I experienced something that left me feeling like I had climbed the tallest mountain only to stumble on the way down. The birth of my daughter was an experience that I will never forget and I will never be truly ably to describe what that day means to me. 

If you are a regular reader of this blog, then you have been a passenger on this roller-coaster ride with us. We got into the ride over nine months ago, and we began a slow, steady ascent to the very top only to fly down the other side in a matter of moments.

Anaya was born at 7:52 in the afternoon. This was after my wife had been in labor since the early morning hours. I had been there for just about every minute of every hour, and I was there to bring our baby into the world. We were in a whirlwind during the first few hours of her life. Doctors, nurses, friends, and family went in and out of the room. She was cleaned, poked and prodded as we all marveled at the miracle of life. We ate for what felt like the first time in days.

Both of us were beyond tired; we had crossed that threshold hours ago. Suddenly, we found ourselves alone in the delivery room, my wife, the baby, a nurse, and me. The nurse was a helping us get ready to make the pilgrimage from the delivery room to the room we would be staying in for a few days. She had to make sure that my wife was ready to walk and that the baby was ready for the change.One of the things we had to do was give the baby a bath.

While the nurse was occupied with my wife I went over to the baby. She was starting to get fussy, probably because she hadn't learned how to eat yet. I'm sure she was feeling a little peckish. I walked over to where she was and I tried talking to her to comfort her. Earlier, I had been able to get her calm simply by talking to her. People had started calling me the "Baby Whisperer." Well, that didn't happen this time. 

She wasn't having it. Anaya was tired, hungry, and probably still wondering where she was. I tried touching her and getting close to her. That didn't work. I tried picking her up. I was still hadn't mastered this skill, so she didn't appreciate my effort. What did she do? The only thing that she knew how to do. She started to cry harder. My wife and the nurse were not in the immediate vicinity at the moment, but they might as well have been a thousand miles away. 

I felt so helpless as my daughter lay there crying. Her cry was so pitiful, and the sound broke my heart. I had been on cloud nine just minutes before, but now I was faced with the reality of being a parent and it became very real very quickly. 

After what felt like hours, the nurse came back and took her from me. It was time for her first bath, and she wanted me there front and center. I couldn't. I was reeling from the emotional storm I had been through and I needed a moment.I couldn't even say anything to explain to her that I needed a break. 

I sat down on the couch, and I let myself break down. It wasn't anything overly dramatic, but it was real. She was still crying which drove the feeling deeper into my being. I felt like I had failed as a father. Now I look back and I know that I was just having an emotional release after a long, draining day, but in that moment I felt like I wasn't fit for the task. I couldn't even comfort my baby girl. It was a horrible feeling.

The nurse started to give her a bath which seemed to calm the baby. I collected myself and I went over to them. I watched and listened as she washed my baby girl. I was comforted by the way she handled her. I didn't say or do much as we finished washing her and walked to the other room. 

That night was one of the longest nights of our lives. I wont go into the details, because I frankly don't remember them. If I were to briefly describe that night I would say it was sleepless. The baby still wasn't eating so she also wasn't sleeping much. That meant that we didn't sleep much either. I had a really hard time because any sound disturbed any rest that I could get. The sounds of the hospital kept me awake for hours and hours. 

I had gotten over my mini-breakdown, and I had a revelation which gave some peace. In the midst of the fog of emotions and fatigue I came to understand and accept the fact that I won't always be able to comfort my child. I hated the idea, but I had to let it sink into my mind, and as I was coming to terms with things I had a moment with my baby girl that gave me yet another revelation. 

My wife was completely exhausted. I cannot begin to imagine how tired and worn out she must have felt. The fact that Anaya was having a hard time latching just made things worse. After another failed feeding attempt I decided to give her a break and take the baby. It was well past midnight at this point and it was just the two of us. We had decided to keep the baby with us throughout the night and we were paying the price. 

I took the baby and I laid her on my chest. And she slept. 

The feeling that came over me washed away any other feeling I had ever felt before in my life. It was a mixture of peace, satisfaction, pride, happiness and so many other indescribable things.  There are no words to fully express what that moment meant. Life made sense at that moment. Every moment in my life had led to this, and I felt like I was ready to face the challenge. 

Anaya was born, and in a way so was I. I became a grown up in those dramatic hours.