Because of this, I sometimes find myself worrying about things that I don't understand or that I cannot control. I think we all have a certain fear of the unknown, and I am no exception. At times, I feel like I am especially vulnerable to this fear. I absolutely hate not knowing, and this pregnancy is not helping me. I am having to face the fact there are so many things that are out of my control; I don't like that.
This all came about because of our first doctor's appointment which was on Tuesday. When you begin to educate yourself about pregnancy, you learn that the first few weeks are very delicate. There are so many things that have to go right, and the process is very delicate. This is the time when most miscarriages occur. I had read and thought about the possibility before, but that day I heard it from the mouth of a medical professional. She was just doing her due diligence in telling us about the possibility of miscarriage. It would have been irresponsible of her not to. Still, I couldn't help but feel nervous ans scared.
During the appointment we learned that we are not as far along as we thought we were. Trying to figure out the exact age of a pregnancy is not a perfect science. My wife had an ultrasound done, and from the looks of things we were getting a little ahead of ourselves. This was slightly disappointing for several reasons, especially because we were expecting to hear the heart beat. But as it turns out this little person was not ready to reveal anything that day.
According to the medical professional, once you hear the heartbeat the likelihood of miscarriage decreases. So when we didn't hear the heartbeat, she said the "M" word. I got that sick feeling in my stomach. I was extremely uncomfortable sitting in the chair, listening to her without saying a word. I don't like the "M" word.
It is hard to believe, but we already have such a powerful bond with this baby. If we believe what science tells us, it is nothing more than a rapidly growing collection of cells. Yet in our hearts there is so much more to it than that. There is a person there. A soul. A little being made in God's image. God himself has given us this gift. We cannot help but feel attached to that little speck on the ultrasound screen. I am learning everyday that this is beyond my control. That is the hardest thing for me to accept, and I am trying to deal with it one day at a time.
I am also finding that during a pregnancy the internet can either be your best friend, or your not-so-good friend that you cannot avoid no matter how hard you try. Google, especially, has become my nemesis. You see, whenever a particular pregnancy question pops into my head, I rush to consult the all-knowing interwebs. There is a lot that you can learn from this resource, but you also have to be prepared for the fact that the information you read is very generalized. For some reason, my mind tends to zoom in on a negative and stay there like a broken record. This is what happened to me that day.
It is not all doom and gloom. As the day went on I had to step back and refocus my mind. I have to look at things from a more positive angle. Focus on the good, eliminate the bad. Take a deep breath. Relax.This is a long journey. There is no sense in burning out in the first few weeks. We will go back to the doctor, we will have another ultrasound done, and we will hear our baby's heartbeat.
I have decided to give it all to God. I have to rely on Him because I don't have the answers. I have to believe that no matter what happens, it will all work out in the end. I have to believe that He has our best interests in mind. This is easier said than done, but I have to do it. For my sake, for my wife's sake, and for baby's sake.
I leave you with this scripture from the book of Jeremiah.
"Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart"
Jeremiah 1:5
I think your ultrasound tech sucks. Telling you that the 'M' word is a possibility is fine, but the way you described it, she shoved it down your throats. Terrible.
ReplyDeleteIt was a pretty scary thing. I understand that as medical professionals they have to discuss every possibility, but it was hard to hear. After that I banned myself from Google and WebMd because I tend to focus on the negative not the positive.
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